*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
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So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My what?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey