Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return