[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
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*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Never let them know your next move 😂
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.