art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
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God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again