It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
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GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead