Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
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Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
That’s not how days work.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.