[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
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What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Ugh
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”