[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
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From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
San Francisco has too many rules
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse