I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
That’s incredible! 👌
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.