ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.