went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun