….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
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Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Noted.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
What the dentist sees
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?