So true for me
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FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge