If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.