Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long鈥檚 this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings庐.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won鈥檛 share
– don鈥檛 like baths
– bitey
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Me: I鈥檓 not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
馃ぃ馃槇馃ぃ
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I鈥檓 sick of my girlfriend鈥檚 husband starting shit
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh鈥orry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you鈥檙e saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].