Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
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<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.