It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”