god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
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I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
yeet
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
The Sun
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.