H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
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I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
These are too funny not to post 😂
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?