The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
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Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Stop sending me this shit.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.