[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.