My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
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Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I told my vodka about you.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
🛁
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.