Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
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Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
jesus, what did this guy do
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”