I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
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On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Me if I was a dog
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.