If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!