We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
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It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.