Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
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Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
There is no “ea” in Tim.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it