After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
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I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.