Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
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Thursday Thought.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Wait a second…
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance