My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
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People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Sniffing the broccoli
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
those birds must be on payroll
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone