I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
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I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
OH. COME. ON.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I need to get some bricks…
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
In space, no one can hear…
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me