I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Lmao
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine