*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*