My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
All generalizations are stupid.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?