Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel