Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.