Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
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I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Why does laundry happen to good people?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker