Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
You Might Also Like
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If I ignore life will it go away?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.