I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
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My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]