White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
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Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
LMAO.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
this post was so formative to me
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…