Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
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The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call