I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
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If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.