I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….