How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
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Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter