Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Go girl power!
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk