employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
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Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’