*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
You Might Also Like
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth