Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
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I would like even faster food.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
@funTweeters
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.