Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
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I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.