I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”